Dissolving the Unseen Roots of Suffering
How do I dissolve the unseen/unconscious roots of suffering? I think I need to start with the self. "Physician, heal thyself." Every experience, if I view it as such, is an opportunity to learn more, to love more. Recently, I found a weird, tricolor, raised mole, behind my knee, which when biopsied turned out to be a form of superficial spreading melanoma, malignant, cancer. In some ways it still seems as if in a dream to me, but that is how most of life strikes me. I am receiving the best of care at M.D.Anderson. Surgery is scheduled for next week. It was the thought of cancer and how it can work on the inside so sneakily that got me thinking about thoughts and emotional attitudes that can do the same thing. Unforgiveness comes to mind. It's easy to say the words "I forgive", but to have it integrated deep on the inside is quite another thing. I pray, give thanks, for the strength and courage to forgive. I do think most of our "prayers" are meant to be prayers of thanksgiving. Some of us humans hold onto resentments for a life time without them ever becoming conscious. On the other hand, some of us humans hold onto resentments quite consciously. Sometimes the evidence of our resentments is right before our eyes, but we are unable to see it because of our own denial. Cancer got me thinking about what might be festering inside of me, that I am not fully aware of.
I began to pray and give thanks for "God" to open my eyes, and for every last speck of bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, to be rooted out from within my consciousness. (I have been on the road to emotional recovery since 1976). I think it's the negative emotional attitudes, the darker side of our souls, which create the most suffering for us and others. Maybe it's because we can not hold onto our "negative" emotions and, at the same time, keep our connection open to "God", the divine, all life (including our deepest selves). So, our spiritual connection erodes, and in my opinion, that is our true life's "blood", the spiritual, the unseen, the divine.
As I prayed and gave thanks, this morning, for "God" to open my eyes, and for every last speck of bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, to be rooted out from within my consciousness, I also heard myself pray for every last bit of hurt to be rooted out. Then I heard a very quite thought say, "But hurt is my friend". What? Am I attached to "my hurt", and how, why? I had an image of me sitting under an overpass to a highway (There was one not to far from the house where I grew up). I was sitting, in the dark, tightly hugging my knees, crying. I did spend probably a disproportionate amount of time curled up in a ball crying when I was growing up and even into my adult years.
In my 20s, I realized how miserable I was making myself, and made a commitment to change, no matter what it required. I still found myself doing the things I hated, and feeling the feelings I did not want to feel. What a contradiction; all I really wanted was to live the love I learned about from the words of Christ. I felt safer outside my home than in it. Outside of my home environment, I was learning how to live love, but it was much more difficult in family & intimate relationships because I kept drawing to myself that which I expected and was comfortable with, feeling hurt and alone. My difficulties have always been in relation to those closest to me. Being raised in a household with alcohol abuse, emotional illness, the stigma of both (which was far greater in the 60s than it is today), and clan mentality did not teach me much about effective communication and how to deal with volatile emotions. Quite the contrary, it taught me how to sabotage getting my needs met in an intimate relationship. I had a great deal of practice, and became very good at sabotaging myself (Married 4 times-This last one is successful; we are both putting our energy into becoming more conscious human beings). It probably didn't help that I was allowed as early as age two, when taking a temper tantrum, to bang my head on the floor, screaming and kicking until I was exhausted. The two problem solving options utilized the most, that I remember when I was growing up, were screaming (loud, explosive, emotionally charged screaming) and silence (deadly serious, scary, suffocating silence).
So what am I holding onto? What have I not forgiven? I do my best to not take offense, not hold grudges, to forgive and love all, including myself. I don't think there is anyone or anything I can not forgive. Forgiveness is quite different than condoning. I don't have to agree with or like what someone else does to forgive them. My experience is I am flawed no matter how hard I try not to be. I can dedicate this life to serving "God" or the greater good, but I am still a mistake making human. From my point of view, "God" loves everyone, all, the same, as is, flaws and all. How can I possibly hold something against another, when I know how screwed up I am and have been?
I love "God", that magnificent presence. My strongest relationship is with "God". I know, in the deepest part of my being, that "God", Light, Love, the Universe, the Divine (what ever feeble attempt at naming it we want to call) is always present, always ready to assist, heal, help, lift us (words are so inadequate to describe the presence of "God"-for lack of a better word). All we need to do is reach, open, let go, awaken to what is (so many ways to try and say it, but again, words can't do the experience justice). All the great sacred texts teach us that love is the answer, that love is the bottom line.
It seems odd, but I get it. I can understand how hurt/pain came to be my friend. It was something I could count on experiencing. Unbeknown to me at the time, my very thoughts were probably setting me up for repeating more of the same. It was all unconscious. I have found prayerful intention is what brings these unconscious patterns to consciousness, where I can begin to deal with them and heal. Now that I know I actually have an attachment to "hurt", I can be aware of its manifestation and I can and will let it go, say goodbye to it. That was a helpful emotional insight. It may have been my companion in the past; it may have even helped me survive some difficult times in this life, but it doesn't work anymore. Good bye old friend!
I began to pray and give thanks for "God" to open my eyes, and for every last speck of bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, to be rooted out from within my consciousness. (I have been on the road to emotional recovery since 1976). I think it's the negative emotional attitudes, the darker side of our souls, which create the most suffering for us and others. Maybe it's because we can not hold onto our "negative" emotions and, at the same time, keep our connection open to "God", the divine, all life (including our deepest selves). So, our spiritual connection erodes, and in my opinion, that is our true life's "blood", the spiritual, the unseen, the divine.
As I prayed and gave thanks, this morning, for "God" to open my eyes, and for every last speck of bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, to be rooted out from within my consciousness, I also heard myself pray for every last bit of hurt to be rooted out. Then I heard a very quite thought say, "But hurt is my friend". What? Am I attached to "my hurt", and how, why? I had an image of me sitting under an overpass to a highway (There was one not to far from the house where I grew up). I was sitting, in the dark, tightly hugging my knees, crying. I did spend probably a disproportionate amount of time curled up in a ball crying when I was growing up and even into my adult years.
In my 20s, I realized how miserable I was making myself, and made a commitment to change, no matter what it required. I still found myself doing the things I hated, and feeling the feelings I did not want to feel. What a contradiction; all I really wanted was to live the love I learned about from the words of Christ. I felt safer outside my home than in it. Outside of my home environment, I was learning how to live love, but it was much more difficult in family & intimate relationships because I kept drawing to myself that which I expected and was comfortable with, feeling hurt and alone. My difficulties have always been in relation to those closest to me. Being raised in a household with alcohol abuse, emotional illness, the stigma of both (which was far greater in the 60s than it is today), and clan mentality did not teach me much about effective communication and how to deal with volatile emotions. Quite the contrary, it taught me how to sabotage getting my needs met in an intimate relationship. I had a great deal of practice, and became very good at sabotaging myself (Married 4 times-This last one is successful; we are both putting our energy into becoming more conscious human beings). It probably didn't help that I was allowed as early as age two, when taking a temper tantrum, to bang my head on the floor, screaming and kicking until I was exhausted. The two problem solving options utilized the most, that I remember when I was growing up, were screaming (loud, explosive, emotionally charged screaming) and silence (deadly serious, scary, suffocating silence).
So what am I holding onto? What have I not forgiven? I do my best to not take offense, not hold grudges, to forgive and love all, including myself. I don't think there is anyone or anything I can not forgive. Forgiveness is quite different than condoning. I don't have to agree with or like what someone else does to forgive them. My experience is I am flawed no matter how hard I try not to be. I can dedicate this life to serving "God" or the greater good, but I am still a mistake making human. From my point of view, "God" loves everyone, all, the same, as is, flaws and all. How can I possibly hold something against another, when I know how screwed up I am and have been?
I love "God", that magnificent presence. My strongest relationship is with "God". I know, in the deepest part of my being, that "God", Light, Love, the Universe, the Divine (what ever feeble attempt at naming it we want to call) is always present, always ready to assist, heal, help, lift us (words are so inadequate to describe the presence of "God"-for lack of a better word). All we need to do is reach, open, let go, awaken to what is (so many ways to try and say it, but again, words can't do the experience justice). All the great sacred texts teach us that love is the answer, that love is the bottom line.
It seems odd, but I get it. I can understand how hurt/pain came to be my friend. It was something I could count on experiencing. Unbeknown to me at the time, my very thoughts were probably setting me up for repeating more of the same. It was all unconscious. I have found prayerful intention is what brings these unconscious patterns to consciousness, where I can begin to deal with them and heal. Now that I know I actually have an attachment to "hurt", I can be aware of its manifestation and I can and will let it go, say goodbye to it. That was a helpful emotional insight. It may have been my companion in the past; it may have even helped me survive some difficult times in this life, but it doesn't work anymore. Good bye old friend!
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