Conflict Resolution #1
Conflict Resolution Question #1: What does it take for two unique, intelligent human beings (or two religions, or two countries, etc.) to agreeably disagree?
Why, oh why, must it be so difficult? How did we get so rigid? Is there room for only one opinion in a marriage, a community, a nation, or a world? God, I pray it is not so.
I'm going to get personal here. If I do my best to say what I mean and mean what I say, then my communication will be as clear as it can be at any given moment in time. This seems simple to me, so why isn't it?
A dear friend and I have spent countless hours in frustrating discourse because we have not yet learned to agreeably disagree. If my friend is presenting her point of view about a situation, and passionately expressing her opinions about it, chances are I will not agree because we see the "world" so differently. If I say "Uh huh. I don't really agree with that.", I mean "I have a different way of looking at it, I think there could be more to the situation than what meets the eye (more than what's on the surface)". What does my dear friend hear me say? "You're wrong!" I don't think I'm saying she's wrong. I'm saying her opinion is valid from her point of view, her filter (which is a culmination of how she has interpreted all her life experiences up until this point), and that there are many, many other points of view. I'm saying, "Can you expand your view for love's sake?" Maybe not. When my friend says to me "I don't agree with that." she means I am wrong , and she will tenaciously prove she's right. I do not have to be "right", in my mind there's room for other opinions and points of view. How do I navigate this? Does she hear me saying she's wrong for not considering other points of view, including mine. I don't think she's "wrong"; my opinion is she causes suffering for herself because she insists on pushing her point of view as the only valid point of view. I think we all suffer when we close ourselves, when we contract out of fear, or a need to protect. The Buddhist's say attachment and aversion are the two main roots of suffering in this world. WOW! It's simple to write or say, it requires being awake in the moment to spot, embrace, and heal.
Let me recap. I say "I disagree"; I mean "I disagree". She says "I disagree"; she means "You're wrong". She hears me say "I disagree"; she thinks I mean "You're wrong". Huh? Is this projection? Does she think I mean something other than what I am saying because when she says something she actually means something else? Looks like alot of energy spent, and for what gain? I love my friend. I feel like we are miles apart when she's busy trying to "prove" something. What causes people to place being right above all else? I think it must be the most difficult ego addiction to let go of; being "right" must produce a tremendous amount of juice. I don't like being around her when she's acting like that; it seems like an energy drain to me. How can I love us both in that situation? Is it possible to negotiate getting our needs met in that situation? What are our needs in that situation? What do I need? Bottom line, I need to be honored, respected, accepted which includes valuing my point of view, what I contribute by way of my being. What if my friend needs the same thing? If my friend thinks my disagreeing with her is disrespecting or not valuing her, how will we ever resolve this? This struggle is just a one on one conflict resolution; what happens when we expand our field of vision to include the whole planet (not to mention what lies beyond even that)?
If we think about the BIG, nationwide or worldwide problems, like intolerance in its many forms, we see the obvious devastating effects of this RIGHT/WRONG mentality everywhere. The black/white, wrong/ right sets the stage for war, all kinds of war, both blatant, and insidious and subtle. All that warring we see "outside", is also going on inside of us. I believe the healing begins in every individual that makes a choice to change, to train ourselves in the way of love. From there, I think it grows and grows and gathers momentum. I do think political and social action are necessary to create change. But let's not forget the power of one. If I can change, then I can have hope based on experience (on a molecular level) that what I see "out there" can change too.
Why, oh why, must it be so difficult? How did we get so rigid? Is there room for only one opinion in a marriage, a community, a nation, or a world? God, I pray it is not so.
I'm going to get personal here. If I do my best to say what I mean and mean what I say, then my communication will be as clear as it can be at any given moment in time. This seems simple to me, so why isn't it?
A dear friend and I have spent countless hours in frustrating discourse because we have not yet learned to agreeably disagree. If my friend is presenting her point of view about a situation, and passionately expressing her opinions about it, chances are I will not agree because we see the "world" so differently. If I say "Uh huh. I don't really agree with that.", I mean "I have a different way of looking at it, I think there could be more to the situation than what meets the eye (more than what's on the surface)". What does my dear friend hear me say? "You're wrong!" I don't think I'm saying she's wrong. I'm saying her opinion is valid from her point of view, her filter (which is a culmination of how she has interpreted all her life experiences up until this point), and that there are many, many other points of view. I'm saying, "Can you expand your view for love's sake?" Maybe not. When my friend says to me "I don't agree with that." she means I am wrong , and she will tenaciously prove she's right. I do not have to be "right", in my mind there's room for other opinions and points of view. How do I navigate this? Does she hear me saying she's wrong for not considering other points of view, including mine. I don't think she's "wrong"; my opinion is she causes suffering for herself because she insists on pushing her point of view as the only valid point of view. I think we all suffer when we close ourselves, when we contract out of fear, or a need to protect. The Buddhist's say attachment and aversion are the two main roots of suffering in this world. WOW! It's simple to write or say, it requires being awake in the moment to spot, embrace, and heal.
Let me recap. I say "I disagree"; I mean "I disagree". She says "I disagree"; she means "You're wrong". She hears me say "I disagree"; she thinks I mean "You're wrong". Huh? Is this projection? Does she think I mean something other than what I am saying because when she says something she actually means something else? Looks like alot of energy spent, and for what gain? I love my friend. I feel like we are miles apart when she's busy trying to "prove" something. What causes people to place being right above all else? I think it must be the most difficult ego addiction to let go of; being "right" must produce a tremendous amount of juice. I don't like being around her when she's acting like that; it seems like an energy drain to me. How can I love us both in that situation? Is it possible to negotiate getting our needs met in that situation? What are our needs in that situation? What do I need? Bottom line, I need to be honored, respected, accepted which includes valuing my point of view, what I contribute by way of my being. What if my friend needs the same thing? If my friend thinks my disagreeing with her is disrespecting or not valuing her, how will we ever resolve this? This struggle is just a one on one conflict resolution; what happens when we expand our field of vision to include the whole planet (not to mention what lies beyond even that)?
If we think about the BIG, nationwide or worldwide problems, like intolerance in its many forms, we see the obvious devastating effects of this RIGHT/WRONG mentality everywhere. The black/white, wrong/ right sets the stage for war, all kinds of war, both blatant, and insidious and subtle. All that warring we see "outside", is also going on inside of us. I believe the healing begins in every individual that makes a choice to change, to train ourselves in the way of love. From there, I think it grows and grows and gathers momentum. I do think political and social action are necessary to create change. But let's not forget the power of one. If I can change, then I can have hope based on experience (on a molecular level) that what I see "out there" can change too.
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